Being a woman sometimes really is crap, and it is not necessarily the dismissiveness of men that side-swipes us: it can equally be the views of other women. Why? Well, I was reading an article in the Guardian a while ago about a woman who is doing her PhD (Gordon-Smith, 2023). The woman - let's call her Mel - is studying her PhD at what sounds like full time at an Australian university. The contract we sign when we start a PhD specifies that we are expected to do a 40 hour week, which ALWAYS ends up being more than that (learning, when it is your passion, just eats the hours).
So Mel had written in to the Guardian 'agony aunt' column, asking for advice about her mum, and her mum's attitude towards her. From what Mel said, her mum seems to have a fixed idea that as Mel 'doesn't work', so Mel will always be available to help out the mum. The mum's expectations of Mel do not appear to be the same as the expectations of Mel's two brothers. The mum also seems to make snide remarks about Mel's lack of attention to housework, how Mel's husband had a 'real' job, and is paid well (Gordon-Smith, 2023). Ouch.
So what do we do when our whānau don't appear to appreciate our mahi? How do we tackle that lack of respect for boundaries, for identity, for carelessness in understanding our feelings? On thinking about Mel's situation, to me it sounds like the Mum is having trouble with emotional and time boundaries... so I think exploring boundaries is a good place to start. There are six areas for boundary setting (physical, emotional, time, sexual, material, intellectual; Taylor Counselling Group, 2022), but I was thinking that the following two might be important:
- Emotional: this is about what we need personally for emotional health, including feeling safe in sharing our feelings and intimate details of our lives, and others having the perception to pick up on our energy (Taylor Counselling Group, 2022).
- Time: about us valuing and prioritising our own time. Once established, our boundaries help others to understand that our personal time has constraints, and will eventually create respect for our commitments (Taylor Counselling Group, 2022).
I also wonder about Mel's mum: I was wondering if she had ever worked? Or perhaps she may have left work when she had a family, and did not return to work? Maybe her husband earached her all the time about not cleaning and she is worried that Mel is failing and doesn't know? Perhaps she came from a family which had strong values about gender-specific roles? Or perhaps she was unable to participate in higher degree by research study? Perhaps there is some unidentified sub-text which Mel's mum is trying - and failing - to convey: "I didn't get to study like you", for example. Or perhaps there are under-currents which Mel's Mum has noticed: "I am worried your husband is growing impatient with this study and is thinking of leaving".
One answer from the Guardian's correspondent was exactly what I would do: "literally [do] not hear the suggestion that you’re not [busy]" (Gordon-Smith, 2023). Or laugh at Mum when she implies it, with a "Yeah, right!" answer. I would also explain the Uni 40 hour contract. And continue to explain, regularly and often, until Mum finally hears and absorbs it, and can repeat it back.
Something else that perhaps Mel might try - if she isn't already - is owning her own feelings when talking to her Mum. What I mean - for example - is: "Mum, I feel that you have a one standard for my brothers, and another standard for me"; and "Mum, I feel that you don't see my study as work". If she can keep owning her own statements, her Mum can't say "you don't feel like that!". Mel can - hopefully - quietly say that she does indeed feel like that.
I also wondered if Mel might feel brave enough to sit down with her Mum, AND a trusted referee, and ask all the questions to the elements which are currently going unsaid, such as: "do you value higher study, Mum?"; and "why do you seem to have a double standard between my brothers and myself, Mum?" I think that Mel would need to be quite brave to do this, and having a trusted referee would be ABSOLUTELY essential to keep them both safe.
Sam
References:
Gordon-Smith, M. (9 March 2023). I’m proud of my career but my mum simply cannot take my work seriously. The Guardian. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/mar/10/im-very-proud-of-my-career-however-my-mum-simply-cannot-take-my-work-seriously
Taylor Counselling Group. (3 March 2022). 10 Ways To Set Boundaries With Difficult Family Members. https://taylorcounselinggroup.com/blog/set-boundaries-for-difficult-family-members/
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