Tools to help in recreating self-identity

Last year I was in touch with a friend whom I hadn't caught up with since Covid-19 rocked our collective worlds... to find that things were not going well on many fronts for my friend. Work was great, but everything else felt like it was coming unglued: they felt they had lost their sense of self; no longer knowing who they were. I was so very grateful that they were honest and open, and felt able to talk to me: but I was out of my depth in providing any actual help (and said so). I suggested that my friend ask around their network to find a counsellor who could guide them through what they were experiencing (as being a career development practitioner doesn't equip me for helping someone who needs emotional guidance!).

However, in the same week, two magazine articles crossed my desk which sparked the inspiration for this post. I passed these onto my friend, who may feel ready to take these actions at some point, to help them address the sense of loss they are experiencing.

• Write 1. Get a notebook. At the beginning of each day - perhaps on our commute - we note down what we expect to stress us today. At the end of each day before we go to bed, we note down what actually did stress us. We do this for a month, then review (West, 2024), potentially with a counsellor. We look for patterns, then try to do something about (a) the gap between our expectation and reality, and (b) what behaviour patterns we can begin to change. And it is easy to see why we might need to find someone who can help us effect change with behaviours which are eroding our sense of self.
• Write 2. We divide a piece of paper - or a page in our new notebook - into two halves. We "Head one column self-pity and" then head "the other one self-compassion". Under "self-compassion" we write the definition, "Is constructive and promotes emotional resilience, self-awareness and growth". Under "self-pity" we write "Is destructive and leads to a cycle of negativity, helplessness and emotional stagnation". Then we consider how we "talk to [...]ourse[lves] about [...]our life and what actions or inactions [we] are taking", and put each of those into the appropriate column, e.g. "doing something proactive [...], like reaching out for help, would go in the self-compassion column"; or where we "feel uniquely wronged or afflicted and where [we] resent others, which leads to inward-looking rumination and a downward spiral, would go in the self-pity column" (Perry, 2024). Two further illustrators show us a difference in thinking reminiscent of internal or external locii of control (here, Lefcourt, 1966) or mindset (here, Dweck, 2006): "Everyone makes mistakes. I’ll learn from this and do better next time" on the self-compassion side, versus self-pity as "It’s not fair I wasn’t trained right" (Perry, 2024).
• Experience new things. Being more active and trying new things - think activity tasting platter - may help. Find someone - so we can travel in company - and 'taste' loads of new-to-us experiences. Not too many things, but perhaps two each month, over a year or so. We can go through community newspapers and read local notice boards to find those little community groups, then inquire about visits. We might try things like cold water swimming. The local Horticulture Society. Tai Chi. Orienteering. Tapestry. Lawn Bowls. Beginner's Spanish. Anything that we stumble across, that sounds like it would be fun to try. Our partner in crime may change on the journey, or we may eventually fly solo. We can stick at things we enjoy until we don't need it anymore. In the process, we will (a) rediscover ourselves, (b) develop as a person, and (c) meet new people. Slowly we will make new friends. And by doing that we will create a renewed sense of our own identity.

It should be noted that these three ideas are small fixes, not substitutes for the professional guide I think my friend may need (and is currently getting). But sharing these may enable us to help ourselves, or others, a little.

Sam

References:

Dweck, C. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Baltimore Books.

Lefcourt, H. M. (1966). Internal versus external control of reinforcement: A review. Psychological Bulletin, 65(4), 206-220. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/h0023116

Perry, P. (2024, September 8). Bad events knocked the joy out of my life. How do I get it back?. The Guardian. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/article/2024/sep/08/bad-events-knocked-the-joy-out-of-my-life-how-do-i-get-it-back

West, T. (2024, August 27). The reasons why we fall out of love with our job. Radio New Zealand. https://www.rnz.co.nz/national/programmes/afternoons/audio/2018952948/the-reasons-why-we-fall-out-of-love-with-our-job