I was reading an article in the media where someone had written in to an agony aunt saying: a friend of theirs had separated from their long-term partner, and the friend had formed a new relationship with someone the writer didn't like (or perhaps 'didn't trust' might be more appropriate).
A relationship reshuffle is interesting: what do we do if our friend is in a relationship with someone we really don't take to?
Friendship is defined as "a state of enduring affection, esteem, intimacy, and trust between two people. In all cultures, friendships are important relationships throughout a person’s life span" (Encyclopedia Britannica, 2025). Enduring affection: that is nice; it implies respect. And trust. Which in turn implies honesty. While many of us may say we would like our friend to be honest with us, is it a friend's place to make comment on the vagaries of attraction? As one commenter said "if you can't rely on a friend [for honesty] then who can you rely on?" (Gordon-Smith, 2025). Or is our own opinion outside the remit of our friendship?
One commenter suggested that "if you watch someone move towards harm, and say nothing, you are no kind of friend, you are just a passenger" (Gordon-Smith, 2025). While this sounds true, how can we be sure that there is going to be harm? We can look for signs of gaslighting, and other mental or physical abuse, but trying to flag these with someone who is not yet able to listen (or take action) is difficult. We would need professional advice to guide us: and there are some great books which can help us to make sense of what we may be seeing (Clark, 2021; Douglas, 1997).
If I think back, whilst I may appreciate a friend's feedback, I would definitely expect them to respect the decision I gave made... and the 'saying' may well have damaged our friendship if this is was handled poorly. Personally I have usually held back from commenting on other's relationships, instead just wishing my friends all the very, very best with their partners. I feel my role is to be there to listen when things get shaky; or for support if things come completely unglued. I try not to push my point of view, but to ask my friends how THEY feel, and what THEY want to do, and what THEIR instincts are telling them). As one commenter said, "ask [them] questions. 'What was it about your marriage to X that wasn't working?' and 'what is it about Y that you find so attractive?' Questions asked without judgment attached will help you understand [their] motivations better. And answering them might give [them] cause to re-think. Or convince you that [they are] not going to rethink" (Gordon-Smith, 2025).
We could trust our friends. There may be long-term secrets, they may have prepared over a period of years for a new identity, or they may simply be taking an opportunity to try something light-hearted. Allowing our friend to be an adult, and asking instead of telling, is to me what friendship is about. We should not try to take other's power away, but allow them their autonomy. Even if our friend is experiencing something which is apparently irrational: we can still trust our friend's actions. We can - in the words of a commenter "treat [them] with loving kindness" (Gordon-Smith, 2025).
If we need to, we can take "a little break from" the relationship if we need to, and "do it kindly", because if the new relationship is poor, our friend will "need [their] friends around [them]", but "if [it]'s not, there's nothing to be gained by getting off side" with the new love interest.
And be there for our friend, in the long-term.
Sam
References:
Clark, J. (2021). Her Say: Survivors of Domestic Abuse Tell Their Own Stories. Random House New Zealand Ltd.
Douglas, K. (1998). Invisible Wounds: A Guide for Women in Abusive Relationships. Penguin Books (NZ) Ltd.
Encyclopedia Britannica. (2025). Friendship. https://www.britannica.com/topic/friendship
Gordon-Smith, E. (2025, January 2). My friend has left her husband for a man I detest. Should I tell her how I feel?. The Guardian. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/jan/03/my-friend-has-left-her-husband-for-a-man-i-detest-should-i-tell-her-how-i-feel
Wonderful write up Sam. The blurred lines of friendship and expectations are really clearly defined, especially where work relationships are involved. A tricky situation whereby gaslight scenarios have been evident that I had encountered recently. I would have to say where one [boss] expects a good relationship in the workplace, but performs no attention [to gaslighting] would be no friendship at all. Managing decorum is a very slippery slope, where by bullying and harassment has been inflicted. Workplace cultures are very different between NZ and Australia. The type of industry segregates that friendship barrier pretty quickly where one is thought to stay and one is thought to go. Even more so in a high staff turn over situation.
ReplyDeleteOh, you make a good point there about New Zealand and Australia's tolerance of workplace friendships (great term, friendship barrier!) being different! Do you think that comes back to the idea of "enduring affection"; or at least, enduring regard for our work colleagues?
DeleteIf we lose that regard, as you say, we have to recognise it is time to move on.