Toby Morris does a great line in cartoons. I was particularly taken this year by a re-run of his twelve step piece of advice on how to handle an apology, which went like this (2017):- Pre-offence insurance: this is where you say "I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings, but..." before dropping the thing that actually will hurt a lot of people. As Toby says, "It's illegal for anyone to be upset if you have taken this step". Excellent start.
- Do whatever you want. This is where some ructions might start. Maybe.
- "Deepest regrets": Here we express our regrets. We are regretful about something that we don't really quite get specific about.
- "Sorry if...": Now we say we are sorry. Sincerely. But we don't say we are sorry about anything: we say we are "Sorry if anyone was upset by my actions". This means there may not have been any actions to be sorry about, and throws doubt on whether there was even an action at all. NB: this does not mean that we need to changing our actions: this shifts the responsibility onto the complainer.
- "Sorry you...": even better, now we say "I am sorry that other people have been hurt by what happened". This is good. Now we are really blaming the other people for taking offense, and pushing the attention of us.
- Intention defence: now we say "It was never my intention to hurt anyone", which makes us a potential victim. We are bewildered at what has happened, and we didn't mean it. Aww...
- The friend defence: now we can claim kinship with the complainer. "I have many friends who have [insert action here]. I'm very sympathetic to [insert action here]".
- Shift the blame: we are now ready to stick it to the complainer. "Woah: people are so sensitive these days. You can't [insert action here] without upsetting anybody!".
- Scream 'Pile on': tell the media/family/whoever that this is now a Pile On, showing that it is you who is the victim, not the complainer
- Rally the Troops: get your whanau to support you and say what a nice person you are, countering what the complainer said. Get someone with standing to claim that this is a 'witch hunt'.
- Be the Victim: make statements such as "It is a trying time facing these hurtful accusations. These allegations are harming my children, so I would like to request privacy at this difficult time". If you have no children, borrow some. Or some disabled dogs. Or something people go "aww" over.
- Perfect, you may leave: sure in the knowledge that the complainer is now getting theirs.
Watch it in action here:
Sam
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Recently on Medium (an online blogging platform), Rufus Griscom decided to write a piece that gave some unsolicited advice to his sons.
A few pieces of his advice resonated with me:
Collect words the way other people collect stray cats, tropical birds, or Pokemon Cards. Words are pixels, they are units of thought; just as you can render more precise images with more pixels, you can communicate ideas more powerfully — and maybe even think more efficiently — with more words. This is why vocabulary is among the metrics most highly correlated with success. But don’t be pedantic — use big words sparingly, only when they are the perfect fit.
Respect science. It’s not an ideology; it’s a system for limiting our crazy human inclinations towards bias and misperception, borne out of humility. Every time you get in a commercial airplane, you are betting your life on the scientific method. If a collection of science skeptics build an airplane and offer you a ride, don’t get in.
When you are young, poverty = freedom; when you are older, if you have kids, money = freedom. It makes it possible to do things you used to take for granted like sleep, read the newspaper and see a little bit of the world. I am not saying money should drive your career decisions, quite the contrary, it’s not what matters in life. But it’s good to understand that your relationship to it will change.
Always tell the truth. Not because it’s written on a stone tablet, but because it’s a better practice. I used to occasionally find myself bending the truth, but I decided to stop about twenty years ago for four reasons: humans have highly evolved abilities to detect dishonesty, even when they don’t understand how; sharing vulnerability and imperfection connects you to people; the truth is generally good for people even if it’s hard to say; and as it turns out, it’s less work— if you always tell the truth it’s easier to remember what you have said.
Lead with your weaknesses. Make fun of yourself. Not compulsively — this reads as insecurity — but in an honest, playful, friendly way. This makes people comfortable, creates trust, and counter-intuitively, it comes across as confidence.
Failure — whether it’s a failed jump shot, a failed relationship, a bankrupt company, or a scoop of ice cream falling off the cone — is a data point. Aspire to love data the way a father loves his sometimes obstreperous three boys: because of, not in spite of, imperfections.
Nice work, Rufus.
To that list I would add:
- Don't worry about your appearance: because in the long run, what you miss out on is more important. Wear the platform shoes, the swimsuit, the Serenity trenchcoat, get the mohawk, dye your hair lime green. Even when you feel too fat/too thin/too pregnant/too old, go swimming with the crowd and don't let self-shame limit you.
- Don't points score off others. Being right is not important in the long run - in a 100 years no one is going to give a crap about whether you were right or not. No one alive will remember. But getting along, by being part of a supportive community is important, and will probably be remembered.
Sam
Reference:
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